There’s an App for That.

A guide to being a male, while someone you love is pregnant, and trying to murder you.

My wife has an app on her iPhone that helps her understand the amazing miracles her body is undergoing. It describes them as miracles, because sometimes I forget. Sometimes- and not to name names- but sometimes when women are pregnant, there may be hormones. I cower as I type this, because, as every expectant father knows, if my wife finds out that I have been talking about this, there will be no safe place on earth left for me to hide. This app also has truly ridiculous tips for the fathers. They are mostly centered around the idea that I need to try harder to make more money. Or get more life insurance, just in case she follows the rest of the app’s advice and murders me. So, with that in mind, I have created this easy to follow, 18 step guide for expectant fathers to help them in this, the hour of their death.

1. No one else really knows what’s going on down there either.
I have been a male nurse for over five years. I admit I’m an imbecile when it comes to women, but hear me out. Without being vulgar, I just want to say that everything that women have going on down there is different. Yeah, I’ve seen the anatomical drawings. They lie. In all actuality, there are somewhere between 3 and 14 holes down there. Sometimes a baby comes out of one. You know what?  Just let the doctors do their thing and get your head out of the way of the birth canal.

2. People will be looking to you for guidance.
There may be some sort of moral framework to work out regarding life, or something. Try and impart wisdom about this to your future children.

3. During the childbirth, some calming music may help your Significant Other to bear having to look at your stupid face.
Sometimes, during the throes of pregnancy or childbirth, there is unwarranted annoyance and displeasure centered on the male counterpart of the mothers-to-be. This ire can occasionally be diminished by playing soothing music. This is where your tambourine playing finally gets a chance to shine.

4. Could you please just get your fat head out of the way?
Seriously? Your head is still there?

5. You are a dirty, worthless, piece of crap.
You whoring piece of dog filth. I don’t know why you even get up in the morning. To think your parents ever wasted their time on you, you caveman, embarrassment of a son. Just get your head out of the way of your wife’s baby maker.

6. Avoid extra chores by trying not to poop your pants at the same time the baby is.

7. Practice being a father figure by giving out random, unsolicited advice to the hearing impaired, or people that do not understand English.

8. Cloth diapers are a far better way to avoid culpability for destroying the earth than worrying about your role in its overpopulation.

9. Don’t listen to the hippies.
There is this huge push in modern times for the pregnant and birthing to avoid using science or medicine. There is no other area that gets ignored so quickly. It’s as if we decided to take architectural cues from mud-people and their corn cob huts. You want to give birth to your kid in a pool? Sure, why not? Why not sleep with your infant and let them breastfeed until they are in college? Yes, because these things happen. Instead of anesthesia, why not draw a picture of a bunny and let your lady look at it during child-birth? You know what? It’s your kid, and your significant other... do whatever you want. Just keep your fricking head out of the way.